Controlling spouse

I have been married for more than 10 years and have been suffering with low self confidence due to my husband's behavior.

He is very controlling and always wants it his way or the highway. Taking control runs in his family. I always have to listen to and agree to his demands. If I do not he gets very upset and hurts himself in his rage.

I always try not to get into a argument and try to explain why I do not agree in some unfair situations. However it never works, he does not want to compromise and stops talking to me for certain periods of time and tries to make my life miserable.

His mom also always picks up fights with everyone and stops talking to them, including her own mother. If I do not give in he says he'll take revenge on me when the time comes.

I do everything in the house from entire household work to taking care of kids, running on errands, cooking. I do not have any help from him, even though I am working mom too.

I don't even expect anything in return, but a little respect and appreciation would be very welcome. I also take special interest in trying out different cuisines and he all he has to say is that I am wasting my time.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I end up giving the special treats to someone else, knowing that at least they will enjoy it. He knows that I am more talented and am better in a lot of things compared to him, but don't know why I deserve to be treated like a old rag.

It is very hard to please him. I feel manipulated when it comes to making family or any decisions. My contributions are tossed over and I feel my position is not secure because in the end if one day if I lose my patience he may tell me to get lost and not consider anything I have done for him and the family.

Comments for Controlling spouse

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controlling spouse
by: Anonymous

I too have come to realize after 13 yrs of marriage that my husband was emotionally controlling. What's so weird about it is I didn't even know it was happening because my husband was so good at disguising it and making it seems like he had my interests at heart.

My husband used threats of suicide, pulling out his gun and cocking it and implying he can't live without me, and then he would leave for hours making me feel guilt and worry he would hurt himself. I always attributed this to stress and depression. He would apologize and plead that he loved me more than anything in the world and I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.

I reached a point finally where enough is an enough and went into severe depression, I was unhappy and miserable. I decided I couldn't let him bring me down and control my happiness anymore and I needed to get my life back and be strong and know that things for the time being are going to be very hard, but this will end and my life will slowly get better and I can be happy with myself again.

I have been apart from my husband only a week and I still worry I'm over reacting, but I know that this is what he wants me to think. I still love my husband so it's very hard, but I also know that he is unhealthy and will not change and I don't want to live this way anymore, and I don't want my daughter becoming the same way.

Be strong, have courage and get your happy back. I am!

Controlling Spouse
by: Kay

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth.

When a partner is controlling it can be very demoralizing, and I am not surprised to hear that your self confidence is low.

You have work to do! Not on trying to change your husband, because he is how he is, and he's not going to change until he decides to, if ever.

The person you need to give top priority to is yourself. You have to become stronger inside, to realize that you are a worthwhile person and your opinion does count.

When you don't agree with him and he hurts himself in rage, that is his choice to do this, you did not ask him, or tell him to. Let him do this, and perhaps if he does it often enough he may come to realize that it's not working, and that you mean what you say.

You will not gain his respect when you give in to him in everything. I know this is not going to be easy for you, but as you rightly say you are owed at least respect and appreciation. Have you ever told him this? Not at a time when he is making his demands, but when he is in a more reasonable frame of mind.

Why not stop trying to please him and do things that please you? When you want to do something or go somewhere, if he says no, he doesn't want to go, make a point of going by yourself. Let him huff and puff, you will be surprised at how great it will feel when you walk out the door to go where you chose, and not stay to do what he wanted! The more often you do this, the quicker your self esteem will return.

Take control of your life, don't give away your power to anyone, no matter what. The more you stand determined, the stronger you will become.
This cannot happen unless you decide you want your life to change.

Only you can do this. We each have a choice as to how we want to live our life, step out from his shadow and become the strong person you want to be. Put yourself first, take back your power.

I wish you good luck.

Love light and rainbows,
Kay

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