Decadence

by John Doe
(East Europe)

Hi, in order to understand why I have so much hate for myself I will have to take you through my entire life's story, so make yourself comfortable.

Here goes: At the age of 5 years old when I started to see and remember things, I saw a dysfunctional relationship. My mother and father wore fighting very often, my father sometimes would hit my mom, because she would get jealous for no reason and always would speak mean thing to my father. But we soon find out that my mother is actually suffering from schizophrenia and that actually she was not capable of controlling her outbreaks. My father divorced her, but he could not just turn his back on her, they had 3 children together (I have a bigger brother and sister), so although he divorced her, she remained with us, even though her schizophrenia attacks wore getting worse and worse and she was losing touch with reality.

Living in an apartment, in a 5 story high building, meant that our neighbors could hear the occasional fights that were taking place in my house, so as years went by I became aware of that and felt ashamed to go out and hang out with my friends, by the age of 10 I stopped hanging out with my friends, because I knew they were aware of my family condition, and felt different, felt embarrassed, so I cut off any relationship I had with any of them, I stopped going out at all, I only went out to shop, take out the garbage and go to school, even with my colleagues from school, it was pure school work relationship, no after school time, nothing, I just couldn't let anyone get close to me and see the situation I was in. My big brother left and stayed with an aunt, he could not stand my mother, the fighting, all of it, I am not sure how old he was, around 15 I thing.

Then came high school, I didn't smoke, didn't drink (only on special occasions, and it made me more sad), meaning I was not one of the guys and was not invited to spend time with the "cool people", so I kept to myself. I wear glasses, so I was labeled as a nerd (though I have a good physique and I am above the average height, you would think twice before taking me on), I was bullied, but I was not a pushover, if I got hit, I would hit back, if I got called names I would talk trash right back, so it was not a problem actually, but I hated these people, that make fun of others, I never let them get under my skin at first, I never made fun of others behind their back, I only offered respect, though you won't always get respect back. I was a good student, from grade one until 11th grade, than I changed. I started feeling, sad, depressed, tired, could not study like I used to, so I lost my edge. I even wanted to commit suicide in 10th or 11th grade(not sure), but never gone all the way, I wanted to drink alcohol, than to swallow some pills, but could not take the pills. In the 12 grade I had my final exams so I would go to college, but I failed one exam (terrible day), took it the second time, and got into college (2 years I had to pay but 2 years I was tax free, because my grades wore good). High school was a total social FAIL, didn't make any permanent friends (except one), no girlfriends, nothing, and I know it's all my fault I do, because I was not opened to anybody, nobody knew who I really was, what I was thinking, I was just playing a role, when really I was sad, miserable, alone, nobody to talk to, nobody to hang with. I am not pretty but not ugly either, I do take care of myself(and I am a nice person, if somebody will ask my help for anything, I do not turn my back on them, I am polite and respectful), but when people see a halo and cold person, when they are so full of life, how can you spend time with that person ? Although I did act like I was immune if somebody called me names or was treating me badly even if I would reply in the same way, I was not immune, I wasn't, inside it hurt, and I kept it all inside, all of it. Like I said I hate people that make fun of others , I will never be that way.

And all this time, my family was not a family, my mother's illness was getting worse, my father works hard, he never turned his back on her or on us, the relatives from my mothers side, turned a blind eye, they didn't care, why should they get involved right ? it's not their problem, my brother left, (I love my sister and my brother: my sister is so smart and strong and beautiful too, she never talks about the things that happen or how she feels, but I can feel her pain as well,
my brother now has a family, a beautiful daughter and a terrible wife that is making him feel like trash, she changed immediately after marriage). The thing that really upsets me is that I have never ever seen love in my family, I don't even know if I love my mother anymore, I do care about my father, but love seems so fake after all these years of fear, misfortune, and hate, I don't think I ever knew love from my parents, they did care about me, sure but real love, I don't know how that feels, I feel so cold inside, so broken, doubtful.

Now, let's get back to the college years. I got into college after taking that exam for the second time, it was the same deal as in high school, never actually fit in with the other people, I became really quiet all the time, shy even, I hardly went out with my colleagues(If I go to a party, I can't dance I get bored because I can't dance, if somebody puts a gun to my head and tells me: "show me a dance move or I shoot" I'm a dead man), and when I did go I didn't speak at all and feel out of place, and I really think I lost my sense of humor. In the first year of college I started playing video games and guess what ? I got addicted, I mean what could a guy like me with no friends whatsoever do, that was the only way I could spend my time, and that addiction grew, playing games was really a good way to escape reality. SO I plunged into a deep depression, having trouble sleeping, feeling bad about myself all the time, can't concentrate that well, and I can't study very well for my exams, but I had my video games and nothing else, nothing. I did hang out with a friend in college, but he is not a good friend at all(he is a double face person), he makes me feel like crap, he has moments when he insults me for no reason and I let these things pass, when usually I would go ballistic if somebody would treat me like that, well actually I wanna rip his head off but I became a docile person for some reason, like I said I am not a violent person, I have principles, rules, about how to behave with other people. So, I made it through my final year, but still I could not pass one exam (failed again) which I will take in a couple of months and than I'll finish college, after 4 years of college I got nothing to show for.

So now I'm 22 years old, my life went from bad to worse, I really hate every aspect of my life, I'm depressed all the time, can't find the strength to accomplish anything, can't find any passion for anything, I feel dead inside, my heart feels twisted (well, actually my prefrontal cortex of the brain that is controlling my emotions and is making me feel that way) and I hate it, I really want to start over, or better my life somehow.

Didn't build any relations with anybody (the fact that I do not have any friends is killing me sometimes I feel so lonely that it hurts), never had a girlfriend (how sad is that ? I never felt a girls touch), don't know how to express my feelings,

I don't know how to care for anyone. Don't really have plans for the future because I live in the past with all those bad memories and negative thoughts and when I turn to face the present it's just as terrible.


When I think about all of those things, it makes me cry (I don't cry though, I suppress it, sometimes I do think that crying would help me get rid of the pressure), and it hurts so bad that I wanna scream. I know that I'm to blame for the wrong decisions I took, I know that I have a lot of growing up to do (I am just a child inside), I think I need help to pass this depression that's been affecting me for years, but I never speak to anyone about how I feel (maybe I should seek professional help). This is the first time I ever shared my feelings and my story with anyone, I really need an insight from another person, about how should I change, What should I do, I really wanna know how you guys pulled it off and got back on your tracks because I do find life beautiful (well, not my life), and I wanna make it work and pull myself from this hole I'm in, I know that time will not heal anything, I need to take action but I just can't find any strength or motivation, everything seems out of reach.