Despair from things that have happened; low confidence.

I am 29 years old, male. I had a large operation on my chest when I was 16. It has affected my relationships with women a lot.

I have rarely had sex and I had a relationships with a girl for 4 months and I was not able, dysfunction. It has scarred me big time.

And with the scars on my chest, I have lost friends and working in the job I am working in is becoming a problem. It feels like I could shut down, but I know I cannot allow this to happen.

I also lost one of my 'best friends' as he seemed to be making a joke out of me.

Ever since this girl left 2 years or so I have had to fight very hard through what feels like a never ending nightmare, where am I going to get my confidence from now, my chest always had an affect on me, but know I don't know what I can do.

I could go on for hours about all this but I'm sure you don't want to read pages. That is it in a nutshell.

I'm going back to work tomorrow, but I just feel like curling up under a blanket, honestly. When you fight for 6 months, then a year, then 2 years. It takes it out of you.

Maybe I should not be fighting but the things that have happened make me want to quit and the fight is not quitting.

Comments for Despair from things that have happened; low confidence.

Click here to add your own comments

low confidence and despair
by: Kay

Hello,

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth.

I understand totally how you feel about your scar. I have a skin graft that starts on my collar bone and ends above my breast, it is almost as wide as my hand. I have had this since I was in my twenties. Not nice for a female, and not nice for you either.

I deal with mine by always wearing a high top that covers my scar completely, even in my home I keep it covered. My family tell me not to worry about it, but I tell them its how I feel that makes me want to keep it covered.

I don't tell people about it unless a conversation comes up about cancer, and then I explain that I am a cancer survivor and (if it is a female) I will sometimes, not always, show her my graft. I've just realized that I've now let half the world know, and it really doesn't bother me that they do, particularly if I can make you realize that OK you have a scar, keep it covered, and there's no need to tell everyone!

The problem you have is not the scar, but how you think others are going to relate to it. You assume that any female is going to turn away from you because of it. I don't see why you have to let every female you meet know about your scar. Get to know them first, take one step at a time, when you decide you would like a relationship, you can then explain about your scar. Or you can let her find out as things unfold.

Not every female is going to not want you because you have a scar. What is important is not the body, but the spirit within. It's you as a person, are you caring, considerate, do you make her laugh, does she enjoy being with you, these are the important things, not whether you have a scar on your body.

If you find someone who does reject you, then she doesn't deserve your love, but I really feel you are doing the female sex an injustice by assuming that all of them will reject you. This is all in your mind, and you have to get rid of these thoughts!

Phil has made valid points in his comment, the way your body reacts is normal, but is a result of your own thoughts. When you realize this you will start to improve the way you feel.

Stop focusing on the scar on your body and focus on the person within, this is what will attract the ladies! If you go to the beach, wear a T shirt or sleeveless top, tell people you sunburn easily, or you are protecting your body from the sun, or tell them nothing! Swim with it on if you have to.

Please don't curl up under a blanket, you are obviously a very strong person, but you need to put your strength into positive thoughts about yourself. Don't dwell on the scar, it's there. you don't like it, you can cover it!

If you would like to speak further, or you just need someone to listen to you, (not to put anything more on the website) please feel free to contact me through information@positive-personal-growth.com or the form on my 'about me' page.

Take care,

Love light and rainbows,
Kay

The strength within we do not see.
by: Phil (England)

After reading your comments I can tell that you are a very positive person for example you final comment regarding quitting and the fight shows that deep down your actually looking and finding positives in what appears to you be a negative situation.

Have you considered that the reason for your friend's reaction is that he could not cope with what ever the problem was with your chest?
His defence was to make fun of you in order to mask his own subconscious fear of confronting his own inadequacies in dealing with the situation.
It may be that your friend was frightened by what you were suffering, and was unable to tell you as he would fear that it was a weakness in his own character to admit his worries. Sometimes people mock others in order to hide their own feelings.

In relation to the dysfunction, this would appear to be normal because you are worried about what the girls will think; and because you are subconsciously worried you automatically will block the signals from the brain to the reproductive organs.
Many males suffer from this kind of problem so you are not alone...if you think positively, then these problems can and will be corrected...it is like the female who wants a baby so much but cannot become pregnant because she wants it too much...a friend of mine was just one such lady, who in an attempt to conceive underwent thousand of pounds worth of IVF treatment which failed...she gave up and decided with her husband to adopt and guess what..within 12 months she had had her own triplets!!

If a girl is interested in you it is because they are attracted to you the person. You cannot think for other people so be proud of who you are and how you have succeeded in life to this point.
Think of the strength that it took to come to this site and to publicly record your frustrations....remember you are not alone with what you have gone through.

Thank you for sharing your story for you may have, without knowing it, have helped another person.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Need Personal Growth Advice?.