I am confused

I am desperate. I feel empty and I am scared. "Fear is Love standing upside down". And all I do in life is fear. I guess I hate myself.

I come from a very wealthy background. But for my dad every person is either a contributor to society or a parasite. I don't know when it happened, but this black and white drawing now also governs my mind. It has become one of my core values.

I have a Masters in Media. But then I never wanted to work in this field. I just can't sit behind a computer screen. I fled to India and learned all about vedic knowledge, meditation and yoga while living and working in an Ashram.
There I decided to become a Psychologist. I had always wanted to work with people.

On my journey I met a therapist who offered me an assistant job for a half a year. I loved it. But my fears never left me. I decided to move to London to do a special Bachelors in Psychology, which only takes 1,5 years. I though that everything was good now. That I had found my calling.

Then again: the fears arose. Fears of exams. Fears of failure. Self hate. At the moment I am in the middle of my exam session and I just feel fear and self-hate. I want to cut myself, I want to hurt myself. My heart is pounding irregularly, because due to all this fear in my life, I had developed a heart problem at 28! My soul cries.
I cant go on like that.

Thanks for listening. Love

Comments for I am confused

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Hang in there
by: Jackie

Hi there,

I can identify so strongly with what you've said, especially the line about thinking you'd found your calling, and yet still being self-loathing and full of doubt.

Just stay focused on your goal and do the things you know to do to get you past each hurdle. Focus on your exams, and keep studying and working for them everyday. Instead of worrying, just put that energy into working on the things you're worrying about rather than mulling over them. People don't pay as much attention to you as you think they do. And 90% of success is just showing up.

You know now what your calling is. That's wonderful news! The easy part is over, and now you just have to have faith that this career is your destiny and no matter what, nobody and nothing is going to stop you from getting there. That's the attitude you must have!

Fearful thoughts
by: Kay

Thank you for contacting Positive Personal Growth. Fear is literally a thought. It does not exist. It is a thought that you react to and it is your reaction that causes the problem.

We all feel nervous about what we do at times, but it is better to say "I can do this" than to react in a negative way and be frightened and give in to that fearful thought and say "I can't do this, I am scared"

You seem a very special kind of person, my kind of person, one who wants to help others. I believe we suffer ailments and problems, go through certain things in our lives to enable us to help others who go through the same as us. You will be a far great Psychologist when you have finished your studies because of what you have gone through in your life. You will have a better understanding and empathy for those who come to you for help.

Don't despair at how you feel, work on how you can cope, remember to stay strong, and understand that your reaction is causing your fear. No reaction, no fear. Sounds simple I know, but when you totally believe this and remove the reaction to those fearful thoughts you will be on the road to a great future!

Good luck.
Love
Kay

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