I dont trust my body

by Bek
(usa)

I promised myself I would never slip up again. I trained so hard and lost 20 lbs and got strong and lean. I started running which I thought I would never be capable of, I eat right-gave up drinking!, learned to love lifting weights and felt great in some cute clothes. Nothing is more enlivening than self-confidence. It's not just superficial gains, it's all health.

On the outside I had never been so healthy in my life, but inside my body was attacking itself. Imagine what a shock and disappointment is was to see pudge building on my body again, feeling so weak with low stamina and having to buy FAT PANTS-the same size or larger than what I had happily thrown out a year ago(thinking that I was on the right track to staying thin).

I don't know why I've gained so much weight(20lbs in less than 2 months), sometimes I have problems with portions, yes, but that drastic gain is unexplained and scary. There is a mystery medical problem. I have had many blood tests and other procedures which tell me that something is going on but we don't know what. My white blood cells are elevated, I have symptoms that could be anything from IBS to arthritis, diabetes to cancer. I feel like all doctors are incompetent.

I am hoping that I have a degenerative disease Simply because it would be an answer.
I don't know how to stay positive anymore. I am depressed, fat, and antisocial-because I don't want my peeps seeing me all fat and with nothing to offer as far as conversation goes.

I am trying to continue with working out but I get frustrated with my lack of strength and the jiggle I feel. I put so much effort into the battle a year ago, I don't know how much will power I have left. sometimes I think "why bother?" but I don't want to fall into that mindset.

On top of body issues, I quit yet another college program, I am in a dead-end job, and had to move back in with my mother because my apartment had some environmental toxin. My bank is way overdrawn, I have the minimum fed help with Food stamps, but I am strangely not eligible for medical insurance.