I want to be a fierce lady.

by Lia Tipon
(Philippines)

I am a Freshman student from the Philippines and my greatest fear is to be judged negatively by other people most especially when it comes to the things that I truly love. I love writing and communicating through all kinds of means and it definitely affects me whenever I do something terribly or slightly incorrect that involves my said skills because I try to be perfect in doing the things that I yearn and a single mistake may trigger my downfall.

I want to get rid of this fear because I find it a hindrance to my success and happiness. I don't want to be left behind because of such foolishness. I had this speech earlier this morning and I was not able to perform well because I got so nervous and intimidated by the audience. I can say that I am truly prepared and in fact, that was the second time I did it but fears got along my way which pulled me down. I was crying the time I left the room and I feel like I am the most imbecile person on Earth because of that.

I don't want to hear stabbing and slaying gossips and remarks about me and the skills that I utterly cherish and treasure because those are the only things that I can keep forever and I try to be perfect in writing and speaking as much as possible.

I consider myself as a writer because I have written several essays, articles, quotations and write ups about books, and people complimented me for such wonderful ideas and thoughts.

I love conversing with people but I don't want to speak in front of a big crowd. I know how to express myself in the best possible way that I could but not in front of the public. I talk to people individually or in groups of 2 to 5, but I don't have the courage of standing before thousands of people and lecture about anything. I prefer an open forum than that of public speeches because I know that someone in those thousands of people contradicts and critiques everything that I say which irritates and undeniably annoys me.

I love talking but I get afraid, coward, doubtful and nervous most of the time that I am going to impart something about the things I know. I always forecast negative things to happen beforehand which adds up to my paranoia. I know my capabilities and I know that I have a lot of things to offer better than anyone else but the only thing lacking is the most important element of all which is faith and belief in oneself.

I want to be reborn and to be cleansed to start up fresh with no worries and fears. I am the only one responsible for myself, therefore there is no one to be credited for my brilliant works and accomplishments other than myself and there is no one to blamed for stupidity, foolishness, timidity, failures, mistakes, errors and defeats other than myself. Start up great to end up perfect! That's the thing I am presently downloading to my system. Hope that it would completely and meritoriously be downloaded.