It's finally gotten to me

by SNM
(Texas)

I've always been the second choice, and I used to use that to empower me. But now, all I seem to be able to do is sit and remember every horrible thing said to me and believe it.

My stepfather abused me, would call me lazy, worthless "If you can't even do this, why would anyone want to marry you?". I still have nightmares about him. My husband's mother would say cruel things while he was in basic "Oh- now without you, I wonder what p*ssy he's going to get now." "You seriously need to lose some weight before he gets back." I've been raped twice in my life. Once, I was being stupid. The second was with someone I trusted. There's a different feeling when you say it out loud. It's not something you really get to talk about. I've talked about it with my husband before, but with being in so many cheating relationships, I feel it makes me uglier to him. I'm not like the other wives, I'm not a size two with platinum blonde hair and likes to go out and party. I don't have 5 kids to take care of. And I am crippled with distrust. Sure he's broken promises before, but cheat on me? It feels like everything in the world is encouraging him too. Even the family I get along with make fat comments from time to time. Do they even like me? Do I even like myself? I'm so alone here, the only person I can really talk to is him. But how can you tell someone who only wants to make you happy that you're sad, and that no matter what you do you feel hopeless.

I feel like all the bad things I used to fight as a child have finally caught up. How do you tell someone you think they'd be happier if you were dead? How can you face an upstanding in-laws when you know your lower than anything they'd consider acceptable? How can you make friends at a new place as an adult when all you can think is "They hate me. They HATE me." All I can think about is the same things my stepfather told me "It's all my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fault."