Lonely as single mom; depressed and despaired.

by eb
(florida, usa)

I thought by now things would be different. I never dreamed this. I am a single mom, 46 years old, to a nine year old boy. The reality of reality is this time, different from my past episodes of depression. This time, there is more at stake, responsibility and the transgressions of my past. The worst part is how bitter I have become. I was young and youthful and foolish last year, this year I am numb with monotonous daily chores.

The isolation of our lives is almost unbearable. The chilling quiet never leaves my home, nor do the walls as even they sometimes echo with laughter. I clean, organize, feed, wash, cut, mow, shop, run errands and that is the best part of my day, while the other is spent filling out applications and mailing out resumes on a daily basis. I have recently come to a few conclusions. My son is witnessing the survival lifestyle. We are so poor I can hardly afford fuel for my truck. I have watched my son turn into a different person from this. He is overly bored, sarcastic, angry, manipulative to break every rule I had set. We have no friends because of many reasons, but the worst part is his social life is suffering, while we have not any children or friendly neighbors on our road.

I have lost interest in most people, and feel as though my son is being neglected of a balanced life. He witnesses me having so many moods, from crying and sobbing once a week, to sharing my most personal thoughts about the hatred I have for the area I live in. I fear I really am an awful, selfish person. I thought I had everything figured out to get away from the place. It is filled with gossip, stares, bullies and other ignorance of every kind. I miss culture, fine arts, growth of every kind.

My son started off so well... he is a gifted student. All of his classmates and friends have Dads. He has never had one. I tried many many churches. That's another discussion in itself. I tried counseling, and it seems I educate them more than they help me. I tried bars and it has left me going, yuck !!

I only moved here to be next to my Mother, and now I feel helpless of laughter, my throat aches to cry but I hold it in until it passes. I know my thoughts are full of unforgiving painful self talk that are quite abruptful. Most of my life has been spent in survival mode, and now I am so exhausted I find it very hard to take care of myself, I am in fear for my sons life. I know the difference of not being so lonely.

I cant stand myself, my inadequacies, my lack of connection, my distaste for my own intolerance. I have finally put an art portfolio together, a work portfolio, a free website that contains my resume, art and writing, have earned up to 51 credits of college and now, I am applying for jobs that are minimum wage!! It is so hot and humid this summer, and I work and sweat drips constantly from not having an air conditioner. I haven't paid rent in five months and my family is disgusted that I haven't found a job yet. They own the home I live in now, not paying them enables a child like and humiliating relations with them.

The jobs here mostly employ schools, hospitals and or restaurants. Other than that the work ethic is demeaning. You are easily replaceable. I hate myself for being such a perfectionist. The phone does not ring anymore. I have off and on times of this. But never quite so chilling. I could go on and on. But the main thing I am trying to get across is perhaps...where is the forgiveness in others, why are other people so afraid of you? Why does, despite my verbal honesty about our lack of friends in my sons life, do other moms seem to care only of themselves. I have witnessed so many unfair, thoughtless, selfish women here.

Its changing my perspective completely and many days I don't even want to leave my house. If anyone has any suggestions that are practical I would love to hear them. I hang on by mechanical habit, strings and coffee. ????