Lost and confused/ no desire to do anything anymore

by Jessica
(Cody, WY)

I don't know how far I am supposed to go back with my problem but I will go back as far as when I think my serious issues started occurring. I had a wonderful life growing up. My father would have a temper at times and he did tell me to get over my dream of becoming an actress because that was not reality but overall my parents gave me a wonderful life.

When I was 17 I met my high school sweetheart and immediately fell in love. We were together for 4 years but by the 3rd year he became very abusive. Mainly mentally and sexually abusive. He would cheat on me but I still stayed with him. One night we were at the movies drinking soda and eating popcorn. About 30 min into the movie I started to get light headed, I felt like I was drunk, it was the weirdest feeling and I had no idea what was going on since all I had was coke. I told my boyfriend that I needed to go to the hospital and that I had never felt this way before. I started to cry because I was so scared. He began to act like he was worried for me to until we were walking out and he said, "I need to tell you something" he continued to say "I put something in your drink". My boyfriend had drugged me!

There were so many nights that him and I would drink alcohol and I began to black out, I started to wonder how many times had he done this before. We lived together so I continued to stay with him but I would not let this go. One night we were drinking playing dominos, the next thing I remember is I'm running to the phone to call 911, he crushed the phone and I ran to my sisters house. She immediately called the police. The police came to the house to arrest him because I had hand marks from someone choking me around my neck. The cops then found a video and my boyfriend had recorded what he did to me. It is too graphic to describe in detail but I was passed out on the bed and he was taking advantage of me sexually.

Needless to say he went to jail and finally moved out. Depressed for about a year, not getting out of bed and not wanting to see anyone I finally got strength to go out with friends now and then. I started drinking heavy. I would only drink once a week but when I did I drank to the point of blacking out. I didn't want to remember anything. I then started meeting guys, having one night stands and I could never have sex unless I was drunk. Many many years of living my life like this the entire time all I wanted was love and I thought that meant I had to give the guy what he wanted.....sex! I didn't know any other way for them to like me.

When I was 23 I got a job working in the financial industry. I quit school because I was moving up in the company. I would work hard during the week and party on the weekends. I was doing so good and bought my own house. I began to realize that I needed to change my ways and not drink to black out and to respect myself more than to sleep with a guy just because I think he wants it. So I started going to church. I met a guy a few months later and our first date was church. He would come over and hangout and we never did anything, he was very respectful. We waited for 3 months to have sex and the reason we had sex after the 3 months was because I was drunk and blacked out. The next morning I woke up and asked what happened? He told me and I asked if we were safe. He said "of course" I had nothing to worry about. About a month and a half later I found out I was pregnant! I immediately told him and he said I don't know what happened but its ok "we can do this". For the first 2 days, he was wonderful, he was so happy we were going to have a family and he told his parents. I then told him how much my mortgage payment was, how much my car payment was etc. I asked how are we going to make this work with a baby? After that conversation I stopped hearing from him. He would ignore my calls and told me to quit calling him. Through many many tears, frustration, screaming at God like it was His fault. I told my mom and we both decided it was best for me to get an abortion. I went to the clinic 3 times before I was finally able to go through with it. I still regret it with my soul to this day and HATE myself for my decision!!!

To get away from my problems I rented my house out and moved to San Diego, transferred with my job. I was going to start over and have a great life, so I thought! I started work and within 3 days I had one of my co workers flirting with me, he was not attractive. He was short, big nose, kind of going bald at 28 yrs old but he was so funny and so sweet. Within a month I decided to give this nice guy a chance. I had to get drunk to sleep with him because I was not attracted to him at all. I know that sounds bad but later I began to actually fall for him and we continued to have sex. We were together when I found out he was sleeping with another girl we work with. I went to get checked for stds and that's when I found out he gave me herpes. MY LIFE WAS OVER!!!! I truly did not want to live. My job was so stressful on top of everything else, my manager new he was sleeping with everyone and did nothing about it. Instead she found ways to get me in trouble. She backed me into a corner where she was now trying to get rid of me and promote him into my position. I decided to take a leave of absence and come back home to decide what I am going to do.

I am now staying with my parents and only have 60 days left on my leave of absence. I have not found another job, I have no desire for life, I will never find a man so I can give up ever having hope for a family, I hate myself everyday for having an abortion, I'm fat and can not lose weight (I have even tried starving myself), I am miserable in every aspect of my life. I know that was the longest boring story ever but thank you if you read it......I just hate my life, hate who I have become, hate the choices I have made and I don't know how to change it!!!