loving someone

by cathy
(philippines)

I am 28 years old and working. I had never had a boyfriend, I don't know why? I was more focused on my career until I met a guy, our new employee. At first I didn't like him. But as days went by he became close to me and with my friends. I teased him with one of my office friends. We became friends, he is a guy with full of sense of humor, a joker, I always laugh every time he makes a joke...but then I found out I am falling for him. Everything changed now I feel this way. I no longer tease, I become silent every time he is near.

I told my friends how I feel towards him. They are happy for me, and they confronted the guy and asked who he had a crush on and he put my name on my friend's notebook. When I knew this I loved him more.

He always teases me also and calls me an old maid. Time is passing and our relationship as friends is no longer on good terms. We always fight, even over small things, but work related.

I couldn't take it anymore and I asked some advice from a my male friend and I told him all the stories, and he told me that I should tell him what I really feel, that there is nothing wrong with that. I followed his advice. I sent him a text and saying that "I have something to tell you", he replied, "what is that maybe I could help you". I replied "Almost everyday we have laughs, you always make a joke, until I found I am falling for you, could you stop those things and lets just be civilized when it comes to work. Just give me a space for the meantime.". He sent a message and telling "So that's it, I'm just a funny person, nice to all because that's what my personality is, if that's what you want then erase my number, so that we cannot be able to text anymore. I could help you (but a smileys in the end of his sentence)", I replied "I don't need to do that all I want is just space."

After knowing what I really feel towards him I called up my male friend and told what happened to our conversation, and he told me that it was wrong approach, that's not what he meant, but its all said and done.

When we are in the office we don't talk if it is not work related. When we have company events and our top management makes us a group team leader, we have no option but to talk. We are doing good, during those events, we go out together to accomplish all the things that we need to in our events.

I might say that he cares for me, because when he saw me and that I didn't have an umbrella, he got his umbrella and told me that "Uhm, use this, a girl without umbrella (with angry sounds)", but it's ok, because I just know him that he always talk in angry sounds even though he is not.

We eat together and I didn't eat all my food. He got some, and the piece of chicken he asked me to cut, and give him the skin and I did, I cut the chicken and served it to his plate. I felt happy that day. After this we go back the same way, we get civilized, even he still teasing me but not so much as before.

I am more serious when I make conversation with him. All people in our company tease me about him and ask if he is my boyfriend and I told them that we're not, but they don't believe it.

I feel jealous every time I hear that he has a crush on another girl. I know that is wrong because we have no relationship, and I don't even know if he feel the same way that I feel for him. Until now I am confused as to whether he really likes me or he is just being friendly and I just misinterpret how he feels towards me.

It's really hard for me, I am trying to say that I don't love him, stop loving him, don't make conversation with him anymore, but it's really hard to do. It's very painful. I don't know what to do. Could you help me with the right things to do and say every time we have conversation.

I am trying to move on but I am hurting emotionally. I always pretend that I am fine and I forget him already but the truth behind this is I do really love him.