Mixed up, confused, lost

by sarah mykoo
(England)

I'm 19 years old and I have had no confidence through out my whole life. Lately I've been so paranoid about everything that goes on daily its driving me crazy.

Recently I've been finding it very hard to sleep, its like my brain does not stop thinking about anything and everything from things like am I a good mum, am I doing enough for him? Am I that ugly? Why me? Is my boyfriend cheating on me? Why? Why? Why? So much in detail enough to keep me up for days tired and drained.

When I was younger I was sexually and physically abused by my dad for 12yrs. after 4yrs of court cases I was recommended to go to counselling to help out any anger or emotional problems that were occurring because of it all. I went to counselling once and hated it, it was too much for me to handle so I never went back.

Since court its like I can't control my emotions, some times I'm sad and I'll cry about any little thing. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I don't even feel confident enough to go to the shops and don't know how to stand up without getting doctors and counsellors involved.

I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about how I feel but he just always tells me it will get better soon an he's here for me. I dont know if the abuse has anything to do with how I'm feeling 24/7 but I need some sort of guide because I feel like I could just shrivel up somewhere.

Sometimes I can be sitting in the garden quietly to myself thinking and the next minute wanting to explode . . . I don't know what to do I really need some advice