My Feelings

by lonely girl 81

I recently posted something up about having low self esteem and being jealous. It was causing me to lose my boyfriend of 14yrs. The father of my 3 kids. Well he left me. He told me he loved me and always will love me, but he DOES NOT want to be with me anymore. I'm devastated. Hurt. crushed.

I'm upset that I managed to lose a man so great to me and my kids. My kids are going to suffer from this. Their dad left and I blame myself. I love that man so much, but I hurt him for so many years. I always accused him. I always yelled and cursed him out. He didn't deserve that. He did everything for me. Gave me anything. All he wanted in return was for me to love me.

Don't get me wrong, I did love him. I always loved him. I just never showed it to him. I said I love you to him. I gave him hugs and kisses. But not enough. He put his life on hold for me. He would always hug me and kiss me. He was always there for me. well he got tired of it. He was an innocent man being blamed for things he never did. So after 8 yrs of taking my verbal and emotional abuse he left me. I never meant to hurt him.

I wish I could go back and show him how much I loved him. How much he meant to me. He gave me four chances to change and I still messed up. I deserve this. This is my punishment for treating him so bad all those years.

Now I'm alone, and I have so much regret. I have so many things I want to say to him. but he's done listening to me. I carry his hurt, his pain. along with my own pain, and the pain of my children having to grow up with out their father living at home.

Can anyone please tell me how long this pain lasts? Does it ever go away? I'm sorry for treating him so bad. I love that man so much. I tell him this every day even though hes done with me. It's all my fault. I lost a great guy.