Poo Bear

Well, I've always been someone most people seem to think is pretty sorted, which makes me laugh now. I've been up and down ever since 14 years old (I am now 24) and was probably exposed to stuff I shouldn't have been. A fair few of my friends during my teenage years self harmed. It was a fad for most of us really. I joined in a bit but never really did it badly, just enough to fit in really.

When I look back at those days, in hindsight I think the self harm fad probably put me in bad stead for the rest of my life. I now cut myself as a coping mechanism; for want of a better term, when life get to much for me. These days its usually when my girlfriend kicks off and mentally destroys me, yet again. I don't blame her though, she has a right to be pissed at me. We were engaged you see ... I called it off about six months ago, and yes, we are still together. Why? Because we truly love each other...

I called it off for reasons I'm not sure I can explain very well, but I'll try. I suppose it's important to tell you firstly that my girlfriend has Bi-polar disorder. For those of you who have some experience of this mental health problem you will know just how destructive it can be. For those of you who have little or no experience of Bi-polar you can't even begin to imagine what it's like, and neither can I, really. But I do know what its like to be in love with someone who has Bi-polar...

I asked her to marry me under stressed circumstances. She was feeling insecure and mentally unstable and I was desperately trying to show her that I am truly committed to her. It wasn't a simple whim though, I had thought about it for some time. Any way, one stressful morning after many tears, in the midst of a bi-polar moment of doubt about my commitment to her, I popped the question. I did it in full knowledge of what I was saying and because it was something I wanted to do. But I also did it at that moment out of exasperation. I didn't want to have to defend myself any more, I didn't want to be doubted about my love for my girlfriend. So, to prove just how much I love her I asked her to marry me, and she said yes!

We were happy... But as time went on it became apparent that she still held insecurities about our relationship. I didn't expect marriage to solve all our problems, any of them in fact, but I did think it would take our relationship to the next level... It didn't.

The tipping point for me was the day my girlfriend (then fiancé) kicked off about my relationship with a female friend of mine. She knows I have not and will never cheat on her but even the idea that another girl might fancy me drives her mad. She was having a go at me because she felt I had been flirting or more accurately that an other girl had been flirting with me. At the time my teenage sister was staying with us and I told her "I could not do this right now". She misheard me however and thought I was splitting up with her. She ran to the bathroom grabbed a razor blade and told me I would be f**king sorry. She threatened to kill herself basically. It was very distressing. I wrestled the razor from her and calmed her down, explained what I had actually said....

A few days later, after some time away from each other, I told her I wanted to call off the engagement. It was the hardest thing I've ever done because I love her with all my heart. I just looked at our relationship and to the future and decided I wasn't ready to commit myself to it forever if things would always inevitably get that bad. The idea she might kill herself if I left her made me feel trapped, I needed to apply the breaks.

Ever since then our wonderful relationship has not been the same. And yes, it was and still occasionally is wonderful despite what you may have read here. There is simply not enough room to tell you about all the moments that make my girlfriend the most wonderful special person in the world, about how when she looks at me with loving eyes I forget all the trouble of the world. I do not expect her to make the word right but she is a good thing in a cruel world and when you know someone loves you as much as you love them I believe you must grab hold of it with two hands and never let go, and I don't want to.

I diverse. Our relationship has not been the same since. She is sad and angry and bitter. I blame myself for everything and take regular mental beatings from my girlfriend when she flips out. As a result my self esteem is shot. Sex is a distant memory these days. We do occasionally have sex; and when we do it's great (yes, for both of us) but these moment are few and far between and the intimacy of our relationship is slipping away. I don't blame her though, as I have said before...

This morning my girlfriend had to be up at 5AM for work and she had forgot to take her medication the night before. It's been a while since the last mental beating but this morning all the shit of the past year was hurled at me yet again. The result, I feel utterly useless. Unable to make even my girlfriend happy, to provide her with a good home and nice things. Ow yea, did I mention we're currently living in my parents very small summer house. It's just temporary while we save money for a flat. We had a flat with a friend of ours but moved out when the contract ended and now we essentially live in a shed.... My girlfriend does not like this arrangement...! She also moved to London to be with me by the way and now I live under the almost daily threat that she will leave me and go back to her home town. She tells me regularly that she can't put up with this much longer (It's been just under three weeks) and that she's considering moving back to her parents.

There's so much more I could write; about the situation at my parents, about my girlfriend, about me, but it feels good just to have written this much. I don't want to bore potential readers any more either, if anyone has bothered to read this far...

I want to end by saying after this mornings saga I cut my leg up with a razor worse then I have ever done before, which; compared to some, isn't that bad really. I'm not looking for sympathy... But I feel like I'm slipping down a dangerous path. Suicide is never far from my mind. I wonder how serious I am about it sometimes. If I continue down this road though, I think I might find out.

I hate my life and I feel hopeless